Relationship State of the Union Protocol

A comprehensive annual relationship review protocol, modeled after Gottman's State of the Union meeting, for evaluating the overall health of a partnership and setting relationship goals. Schedule: Annual, during a relaxed setting (not during or after conflict). Allow 2-3 hours. Both partners prepare in advance by independently reflecting on the questions. The agenda: (1) What went well this year in our relationship? Share specific memories and moments of connection. (2) What was our biggest challenge this year? How did we handle it? What would we do differently? (3) How has each of us changed this year? What's new in our individual lives that affects the relationship? (4) Are there any unresolved issues or ongoing hurts that need attention? (5) What are our relationship goals for next year? (connection time, intimacy, communication, shared activities, growth areas). (6) What does each of us individually need from the other that we're not currently getting? (7) What are we grateful for in this partnership? Close with appreciation.

When to use it

Annually — schedule it like a recurring appointment. Consider aligning with a meaningful date (anniversary, New Year's, or a privately chosen 'relationship birthday'). Also useful after major life transitions: moving in together, marriage, having a child, a health crisis, or an affair — any event that fundamentally changes the relationship's context.

How it can help

Provides the relationship equivalent of an annual business review — a structured opportunity to step back from daily operations and evaluate the overall trajectory. Most couples never have this conversation, which means slow changes (growing apart, shifting needs, accumulated hurts) go unaddressed until they become crises. The advance preparation requirement ensures both partners think deeply rather than improvising. The gratitude bookend (appreciation at the start and end) ensures the conversation is framed as investment, not complaint.